ONE LOVELY BLOG AWARD!!!

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I WAS NOMINATED!!!

I was nominated  by Tracey a blogger who has the ability to slay in her writing and leave you wanting for more I can attest that in all of her blogs you’re left with knowledge and insight. “Thank you” doesn’t seem fit but I want you to know I’m eternally grateful and humbled by this award …Check out Tracey’s blogs at https://tracystruthblog.wordpress.com/

Seven facts about me:-

1. I am the middle child of three girls and was catapulted into the role of the BIG sister not sure how or when it happened but my opinion matters in just about anything.

2. I eat the same thing for breakfast, lunch and dinner for fourteen consecutive days.

3. I never iron anything I’m wearing the way I see it; it will get wrinkled anyway.

4. I’ve watched phantom of the opera about a million times and I’m still awestruck as if I’m seeing it for the first time.

5. The original color of my hair is sugar brown.

6. I am a very private person with a public personality who loves a good party * it’s contradictory I know*

7. My blogging name is actually a pet name I am called by my parents, siblings and close friends who really knows and understands the back story of that name.

MY ONE LOVELY BLOG AWARD
NOMINATIONS ARE AS FOLLOWS

1. Nicole Lyons  https://thelithiumchronicles.org/
Nicole writing has the abilities too transcend you to another time where the things that once lies dormant in you surfaces and leaves you introspecting yourself…a phenomenal writer.

2.Simply Etta D. https://simplyettad.wordpress.com/  I was so happy when I discovered this blogger…her blogs are thought provoking as she leaves quotes that refreshes the spirit and fills the soul..it is my happy place when I visit her page

3. Kay Liz https://diamondsanddreams.org/
Kay simply put is a renaissance woman who is well rounded in her writing she is a poet, an inspirational writer and she will take you on a journey that leaves you wanting more. Truly a pioneer for uplifting woman and I appreciate the rawness of her writing.

Please check out their blogs follow, like or comment. Hope you enjoy it as much as I do!

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Ladylike qualities.

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They ask me to say what’s on my mind
ME: “FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!!!!!”

They: “Oh no wash your mouth out you’re suppose to act lady like”

ME: “Oh really well don’t a lady look like me…I’m dressed nicely my string of pearls is set high on my decolletage, my face is painted and I’m wearing the finest perfume
Do you not see my flamboyant hat?”

They: “No sugar you look just fine just keep the head up and shoulders back when you walk and don’t say to much especially when invited to tea”

ME: “So” ehmmmm *clears throat * “Am I suppose to give you a pass to run roughshod all over me?”
…..”Ok, let me eloquently say it for you like a lady I am optimistically inclined to say shut the FUCK up so that you can pessimistically excuse your lack of enthusiasm for the things that don’t concern you about me.
HOW’S THAT FOR BEING A LADY?”

THE FIRST CUT

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“They hid it from me maybe to protect me that day ”

He was sturdy built with the darkest mole that sat right at the nape of his neck. It was a day in the week, I do not recall which it was but I remember it being a weekday. The tapping on the window stirred me; there he was with a beautifully wrapped box. He extended his hand and my heart raced uncontrollably. I took it and with trembling hands I opened it.
The name on the well crafted bottle of perfume was CANDID. He had given me my first gift ever from a man. I was young I didn’t have a clue about the opposite sex, he brought out something in me that excited me. I’ve come to learn the rush I had felt are called ENDORPHINS the naturally feel good drug that the body produces.

A quiet courtship had started I knew my parents wouldn’t approve of me liking/dating much less accepting such an extravagant gift  (to me it was) from a boy…Mom always said stay away from boys they only want one thing and will break your heart. In hindsight, so true.

A couple months of hiding my perfume I finally showed my friend “P” she was and still is a loyal friend. We giggled when I told her he had kissed me and I didn’t know if I liked it or not. As a matter of fact I had no clue if I had done it right…I needed to practice some more on the back of my hands.

I’m going somewhere with this. I was in LOVEEEEEE a boy had finally liked me and he came bearing gifts he was special, had me doodling, daydreaming while writing our future in my diary.

Tap, tap, tapping on my window if my mother or father had caught him he’d be dead. He slipped me a note I read it’s contents. It said he was going away for summer vacation and he’d be back that September in time to return to school.  He had spoken of a mother I had never met and he was extremely excited to visit her. I felt sad I’m not going to use any big words here except SAD. I had so looked forward to spending an entire summer with him.

We said goodbye a few days later with a hug no kisses here for the fear that my neighbors would see and tell my parents. I ran to my verandah and watch as his stepfather whom he lived with drove off with him, I waved relentlessly until the vehicle disappeared from view.

Crossing out the days on the calendar became my daily ritual I couldn’t wait to see Mr.Jones he would be back at the end of September and I patiently waited for July to end and August to approach. Two weeks before his arrival date I had gone to visit a friend and upon my return home I noticed there were candle lights everywhere. Not an uncommon sight in the Caribbean when someone had died.

I walk through the doors and walked on to my verandah where my mother and sister was sitting. The air was thick I started wondering if I was in trouble as my mom would bait me for the kill before she started sharing a beating…I stood there making small talk a.k.a. talking everything possible that made no sense to what was presently happening. I just knew my mother was going to pounce at anytime.So, I started running down the list of things I had done wrong that day, that week…

I remember as if it was yesterday asking who in the community had died since so many lighted candles were displayed at every neighbors front door including ours. No answer, instead my mom started striking up some conversation with me as if I hadn’t asked a question. The door knocked and I left the verandah to open it…there she was my arch rival  slim with beautiful dark skin..only this time she was none threatening and with tear filled eyes she told me if I heard Mr.Jones had died. WHATTTTT????

I ran back on to the verandah held on to the antenna  pole and screamed tears wouldn’t come.  Is it true ma, is it true ma????
Without my mother answering she had answered. I rocked that inanimated object as if it would give me a relief. I didn’t know how to contain this pain. The rest is a blur!!!

A few days later I learned while on vacation he had gone swimming and drowned…but he was a good swimmer I could attest to this I had saw him swam TWO HEAD a dangerous river name La flourescant located in the Nothern part of Trinidad. “How could that be I ask myself”… I would imagine us together, I would pretend like he was coming back. He died at the age of eighteen, four months shy of his nineteenth birthday and was buried abroad.

Some wounds just don’t heal it morphs into something tolerable. It would be years later that I would destroy my diary but today I felt like sharing his memory I had never spoken of him in 25yrs, I want the world to know he was my first love, my first kiss, my first gift from a guy, my first loss of many to come and my first heartbreak. Mother was right in some ways after all; it wasn’t a boy that  broke my heart but the LOVE that never came to fruition.

The “Omni” woman

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Is she a pre-madonna that has the last say
Is she a diva, a street walker perhaps a home maker
Is she a designer, is she a mother, is she the negotiator or is she the soldier that stands on the frontline of life rifled up with justice and girded up with truth
Those intricate and chiseled lines embedded in her face do tell a story

Is she a church goer, a manipulator or a betrayer
Is she a friend, a reliable sister or a formidable foe
Is she the wife that’s sanctified into believing that the scales balance belongs to her and her only.
Is she the voice of reason or the spirit that  easily compells
Not quite sure what lays behind those glazed eyes
Is she the backbone or the pillars that carries the weight of the world both hers and yours?

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Is she the ashes that produces beauty or sunlight that appears at the break of dawn.
Is she an introvert that is constantly dissecting every miniscule thing
Could she really be that woman whose shoulders are broad and capable of taking on any task
Could she be the woman that wears all those hats ?
I suppose so!
Maybe she is a wife and a mother after all
Maybe she is the warrior willing to die on the front line
Maybe those glazed eyes have witnessed great sorrow and an insurmountable joy

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Maybe those shoulders were the head rest of many lovers who are no longer here
Perhaps she’s a part of history in the making that another generation will read about
Maybe she knows that the pillars are hers to carry because she is capable of carrying such a weight
Maybe she walked the streets because she had no home
Maybe my perception of her is inaccurate and the story is hers
And hers alone to tell.

THE TASTING

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Clinking of glasses as faces of deceit smile with curves on their lips but, there’s no connection to their eyes
Praises of what I mean to them with the mouth, all the while the heart is disconnected

Willing to serve me a meal of contention
Of one whose  main ingredient is resentment
They have polished the cutlery with distaste and envy
And lay the finest china upon the table of discord

Another stands, to express to me how much they love, luv, sorta kinda like me
I’m seated at a position where I can see through the smoke screen and the entertainment of HYPOCRISY

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I observe beyond the realm of the natural and your table is to dishonor and shame
Your salacious meals are meant to leave me starved and your pretty words are merely a colorful prisms to entice me to believe that I am asleep
I’ve been awake… you can now serve me the DELICIOUS  bullshit you have delightfully prepared for me.
For I am hungry and WILL consume all you and your array of invited guests have intended for me with your pretentious selves.
BON APPÉTIT, LET’S EAT!!!

Unveil yourself

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It is important to do a constant introspection of life to see if  you are growing. I know for me growth is vital and oftentimes it’s hard to differentiate between grooming negative things or watering positivity. Whenever  I am unsure I pull back from family and friends just to think and have a dissected conversation with the inner woman. I was once called a recluse and as much as I wanted to deny it; it is the truth. I blaze my own trail and my playground is adventurous.I’ve never needed a ton of friends to make me happy just one good one to share a couple laughs with. However, as life would have it I have a big personality that draws people to me like a magnet (which is beyond my control) and they tell me just about ANYTHING…and I mean ANYTHING. I finally asked an associate one day why they were so comfortable in disclosing such a morbid side of their life with me and the response was ” I just know that it’s ok and you create a sense of safety ”
In that moment I myself was having a conversation with myself “huh safety?” I won’t say I’m a great listener but I’ve walked many walks in this life to not be judgemental and my ability to hold is like a sponge that absorbs water, maybe that’s what many see but sense of safety was a new level for me…
The truth is I don’t polish things up and put a cherry on the top if my advice is asked. I keep it brutally honest and expect the same from others.

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You see society has taught us to hide things whether it’s by hiding behind makeup, telling white lies, physical enhancements, pretending to live a life we can barely afford and showboating for likes and shares on social media which in turn has produced a puppet/shadow syndrome. I beg to ask

1. Are you portraying the real you?

2. Can you become unmasked in a relationship and reveal the REAL you?

3.Is it possible to stand alone for something you believe in while others disagree?

4. Are you a leader or simply following the masses?
If you can honestly answer these questions then you my friend are well on your way.

The best thing for one’s soul is too stand, walk and live in one’s truth for that and THAT ALONE will set you apart from others and lead you to your path of happiness whatever that may be.

August 2008

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Let me dance with you again to the songs of Isaac Haynes and Millie Jackson
Let your warm embrace light my soul and may your intoxicating fragrance remind me of why I fell in love
Let’s hope that life be kind to us and allow us the passage of time to grow old.
May our lights never dim and may eternity find us together in the next lifetime.

You made me believe in the magic of living and you’ve carried me through my trying times.
You’ve resurrected the dormant dreams within me and allowed me the grace to be naked and unafraid in your presence
Fragile and broken you found me and gathered my pieces and and made me whole again
You adorned me with everything I ever desired to sustain me
The music has started again and I’m extending my hands for another dance, another chapter…another journey with you

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Paths not yet taken

I got up feeling off kilter and my spirit was restless. I missed my family who made the transition from this life and so this piece was written for them ( MY ANCESTORS)

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I beckon you all to come sit with me
I’ve put up lights in the hopes they would guide you to pay me a visit
There is a longing to connect again I thirst for contact
I want to walk the paths you’ve taken
But I hear you all saying “not yet”
How is it there? Do you miss me?
I’m married now, I am almost a generation
I force myself to not forget the lines of you’ll faces
I close my eyes and quiet my spirit just to remember your voices
The precise phrases,tones and decibel levels

Flowers arranged in a vase, a mirror is placed at the corner, a jar of water, incense burns and perfume fills the room
My vibration is high  I am dressed for the occasion… I WILL wait for the connection
The conch shell is waiting to be blown upon you’ll arrival
Meet me in the valley and pay a penny at the cross roads
Let’s meet there,let’s ask Shakapana for the drums to play
Let’s ask Oshun to sweeten this festivity with her finest honey
Let’s ask Shango for lightening to light the skies in you’ll honor
Let’s ask Oya to open the gates to let you’ll through
And let’s ask Olumudurae for his unmerited favor, that in all our asking that he blesses this ostentatious occasion

You’ll are almost here…I can sense it and I shall wait!

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Invisible me

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Invisible me

I begged you to listen to what I had to say and  I was like a mosquito that won’t be silent humming in your ear; and yet your answer was always the same  “NO”

I’m bursting out of this here box and when I get out I’m going to get what’s mine. If only a day didn’t seem like a thousand years life would be effortless and whimsical…sigh!

Helloooooooo…do you hear me? ONE day I’m bursting out this box and I will receive favor; I will learn once again to stand, to walk, to stride, to run so fast that not even time can catch me. My life will bloom, my life’s destiny will be fulfilled…”oh by the way did I tell ya I’m destined for greatness?”

GOD DAMMIT!!! I got to get out of this box this tomb, this hole, this cell that I’ve served 19yrs in for a crime I hadn’t commit and if indeed I did wrong God let your judgement be swift and your mercies sure. My heart can’t take much more, my mind has derailed numerous times and well my spirit I’ll leave that up to you God, for I am broken…all I know my patience has been tested and I NEED TO GET OUT THIS BOX!

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