“IT”…CAME CALLING!!!!

My heart was thumping so hard in my chest and it was only then I realized I was alive.

I am a firm believer of not jumping out of sleep to do anything. It was a rainy September and I had just came home from a long and laborious day. Some much appreciated sleep was well needed and no sooner had my head hit the pillow I fell into a deep sleep. The annoying ringing of my phone stirred me to consciousness,my girlfriends were outside already dressed and waiting for me. I had secretly hoped that they were calling to cancel the plans we had made the previous afternoon. I got dressed hurriedly ran out the door and awaited the tongue lashing they would unleash on me – and they did!!! As we exited the ramp onto the highway no less than 5 mins from my home the car lost control and began to spin out of control. In a moment my life flew before my eyes, I heard screams, banging,glass breaking and then came the SILENCE. I looked up only to notice the car had hit the median and we were now turned into incoming traffic when the true horror began. Cars were zooming by trying there best not to collide with us.A good Samaritan came over and began flailing his arms to alert other drivers of the impending danger. Everything was going at warp speed at which point I looked over at the driver with a gaping wound in her head, yet still conscious and mumbling something that was incoherent. It was obvious she was in shock as her hands were grasping the wheel mercilessly  and with a blank stare on her face.

BANNNNNGGGG!!!!!!! We rolled backward as another vehicle collided with us…air escaped  my lungs as I started to scream…yet no sound came out!!!! I DIDN’T WANT TO DIE THAT NIGHT. Terror set in as my seat belt became a burning torch etching into my skin. It seemed like an eternity before help arrived…I wish I could say we were lucky that night to still be in the land of the living but that was beyond LUCK. I learnt two valid things that will never leave me.

1. GOD HEARD MY PRAYER BEFORE I EVEN UTTER FOR HELP

2. NEVER WILL I EVER LEAVE MY BED TO GO OUT IF THE VIBE ISN’T RIGHT

I cannot say we were not left unscathe, battered or bruised; but I will say this in the face of death we all SURVIVED!

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His Diamond in the rough

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Oh my I just missed the train and he’s not going to be happy, I thought to myself at the same time a smile escaped my lips because I know I’m loved. A raindrop splattered across my face and interrupted my thoughts as I realized in my hurry I forgot to grab my Leopard print umbrella as I ran out the door.
Nevertheless that night was going to be a good night.
I ran on to the opposite platform and got on the train and closed my eyes.
I arrived at the Russian Tea room and was equally impress with the ambiance and the cosy intimate vibe it exuded.
“Hi beautiful”he said as he rose up planting a kiss on my lips “don’t you smell divine” he exclaimed…”you don’t look so bad yourself” I retorted. All the while my mind was thinking that some good dark chocolate would be a well deserving desert after dinner.
We talked for awhile about life,us and about breaking the wonderful news to both of our families.
You see a year ago we had tied the knot at a secluded destination and decided to do a small renewal in front of a selective few. We had met each other 10 yrs before we started dating and after reconnecting 10yrs later, the timing was right and on a whim we got married.

This man I’m fortunate to have in my life simply adores me. I never really knew my heart had space again to accommodate another person on such a level. Dinner ended and as we walked out the front door of the restaurant he blurted out I loved you from day one and I knew then one day I’ll get that opportunity. This man makes me happy. A grateful heart is always rewarded  and in that moment I realized how blessed I was to have found the piece that completes me.

The Valley

I knew all to well the putrid scent of death

The death of broken dreams and diminishing hopes

I know the pangs of hunger,of an empty stomach and the hunger to see my life align as I envisioned it to always be.

I know the pounding of a relentless headache of stress dragging me to the edge of depression

I had no strength then and have very little now

I live in the valley most days and labor to pull myself from it’s grasp

Most days I feel like I’ve failed and someone  comes along and puts a temporary smile on my face

I know that they will eventually leave…for they always do

I know what it is to toil all night and come home empty handed.

Most times I sing…”they think I sing because I’m happy”

I draw on a melody because even I know if I stop I shall surely die.

This puzzle of my life is missing so many valuable pieces

I’ve given them away to undeserving souls who like vultures stood by waiting…WAITING and WANTING!!!

I rather stay in the Valley a familiar place to me

At least I know now what I hadn’t then; that nothing good  lives in the darkness.

I DREAM

I dream of a life where I’m seated at my kitchen table coffee in hands and curled up in my robe in front of my laptop…my soul is unsatisfied at where I’m at.

I’m writing this so the universe would see that I’m ready and willing to do what it takes to attain the life I’ve always envisioned. 

I dream of jetsetting to the Maldives,seeing the pyramids of Egypt and bathing in the Nile river

I want to be baptized in the waters of Santorini Greece

I want to see the seven wonders of the world and write my best piece yet

I dream of walking away with the pulitizer prize

I dream of days of lunches with women of a same mindset and caliber as myself

I want to wake up to a sunrise cascading through bamboo blinds kissing my caramel brown melinated skin

I want to soak in fresh milk and the finest muneca honey 
To listen to the songs of Pavarotti and sounds of chirping birds

To walk in the lavender  fields of France and smell the crispness of the air there .

I want to see the snow peaks of Switzerland and the purity it exudes

I want to feel the radiance of the warm Caribbean sun on my face as I jump to the sounds of calypso and soca wearing the most enticing costume with sweat running down the crevice of my back pounding the pavement with busy feet and gyrating waist.

Phtographer: Shawn Arlington 

Photo of me September 2015

I want to walk on the Sahara desert and watch my footprint disappear as the sand shifts in another direction.

I want to dance to the congas drums with no inhibitions and drink from the wells of knowledge 
Life is vast,  but for now I’m on my way to the gym where the traction of the treadmill reminds me I’m going somewhere for this isn’t my final destination.

Cracked hands


He was sitting next to me and though he looked like an Adonis his cracked and dried out hands betrayed him.

I saw my ancestors in the lines that connected to create this being. His dark, rich, dipped in ash complexion couldn’t hide the feeling of sadness that I felt as he spoke with me.

It was 8yrs Sandra had departed this life he told me and that was the last day he was happy. “Yes ma’am” he said “she was a great cook who made sure I had a hot lunch to take to work everyday “. He shared that for the last 8yrs he had eaten hot dogs for many lunches and dry biscuit with tea for breakfast and dinner.

Just a passenger on the train having a conversation with me and somehow in that moment I knew I didn’t want to reach a point in my life being lonely. To be alone and lonely are two completely different things. I enjoy being alone for it refreshes and recharges my soul but loneliness; is a definite death sentence.

He shared that they were married for 36yrs and bore four beautiful children.He shared some wisdom with me “Parents don’t like to burden their children they have their lives ahead of them”. I was wiser for listening, for the views of my parents became much more clearer and appreciative. 

I allowed this being to pour out his memories of yesteryear, hopes of tomorrow and dreams of a future yet to come. He shared that when he courted Sandra her brothers had given him a black eye with the promise  to brake several bones in his body if he came again asking to court her. “I didn’t care if they had beaten me to death all I knew is I loved her and she was going to be my wife…and I was right!!!” His eyes lighted up and I could imagine the young vibrant man he used to be. Not wanting to intrude but needing to explore further for my own of satisfaction I asked what was his biggest accomplishments to date. He told me that having his children and being a father to them since he never knew his own father and that every thing he had learned about this important role was through trial and error. He stated ” I wasn’t always right but I was a better man for trying and learning what is right”

I was not fortunate to be born with a golden  spoon in my mouth he exclaimed; but my children are my pride and joy. They are my heritage and I’ve done all I can to ensure their future supercedes mine.

 He showed me his hands palms facing up… “I’ve been a steel bender and these hands have provided me with my daily bread”. We chatted callously about the weather and the humdrum of folks running to enter the train but missing it by a millisecond. 

Without warning he got up “young lady this here is my stop” with extended  hands I reached out and shook his hands those dried, cracked hands. “What’s your name”? I asked. He left me with these words “next time you pass a skyscraper this side of town remember me the man whose hands bend the steel to lay the foundation” 

I believe that we don’t meet people by chance and that our meeting was so that I could bring a little sunshine in his life by regurgitating beautiful memories of a woman he had so loved. I learnt that day that we all want to be remembered for something REMARKABLE  we have done and that a measure of a man is not measured by his name but rather by the WORKS  he has done!

Charisma Ave; Love Blvd

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Sometime ago I overheard a conversation between two young women about how men today is lacking and oftentimes come looking for a handout.

I find that this might be the exception in some cases but DEFINITELY not the rule. Let’s discuss the rule. THE RULE should be we give equally in a relationship not one man/woman steering the ship. If he is the bread winner what’s wrong with being the home maker? Therefore creating a balance…I’m not saying ignore women rights,you see a relationship is a job in itself and can only succeed when both parties are committed wholeheartedly. It is true that the raging fires that sets your heart ablaze in the first 3-6 months have the potential to become just a flickering ember.It is up to the individuals to make sure that hickory logs is keeping the fire ablaze!

Many folks I’ve spoken to said that they no longer go out on date nights or even dress up to impress their significant other. Have you ever seen a peacock in all its glory? As beautiful and REGAL that bird is it still spreads it’s enchanting tail to attract the attention of a potential mate. We are the ones who are guilty of  throwing water on our own fires without realizing until it is too late.Then there’s the black women who berate their black men by stating he’s no good. I’ve heard this phrase roll off the tongue of women who are caught up in their emotions or ideas of what a black man should be. If a man doesn’t value the relationship or add to your life why do you stay?  When last have you reminded him why you chose him? When last you told him you love him just because? When last you hugged him assuring him there is safety in your arms? Compliments makes anyone feel good and it goes for both parties involved.

I once had a conversation with my father about the men that I was choosing always falling short of my expectations. I recall his response  being…”perhaps you are shopping in the wrong aisle for the thing you’re looking for and if you’re in the right aisle then the problem is you.” We are ensnared by the words of our mouth and the meditation of our hearts said the great Bob Marley!
You see what we say about our husband, partner or significant other consciously or unconsciously will manifest itself, and while you may be very disappointed with the outcome please know it is exactly what you spoke into existence.

There is someone out there willing and quite able to love you FLAWS and all. If you have been stuck in the vicious cycle of relationships that derails before it gains momentum then first make sure you are attracting the man/ woman you want to spend your life with.

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Before Mr/ Mrs wonderful arrives look at your cup ( representation of your life ) see if it is full enough to pour into someone else. You must bring something of value to a relationship. I’m not speaking about material or monetary things. Interveiw your own self and ask would I date me/or would I marry me?
If you fall short on your answers REPOSITION yourself and start again.

I said all that to say this a man will only give  what is require of him and a woman will only stay around if she knows you’re  capable to provide for the well-being of her heart, soul and home.

BUILDING TO RULE

“Like any true architect to create a masterful and durable structure it starts with a design.”
~Leeleewhite

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Let me start by stating BE CAREFUL who you allow to design the structure of your life.
It is imperative that you make people a study not one that cosumes your entire day but one where you are sifting them out to see what their ulterior motive is.
A fire should be blazing in one’s belly to know when whatever is coming to them is/isn’t genuine.

You ask how do I develop such sense for this well here goes
1. Start spending quality time with yourself and I don’t mean pampering yourself I mean finding a connection with your higher self
Note:- Everyone is capable of this.

2.If you encounter any obstacle please remember that obstacles are really put in place to obscure ones sight (intuition) of the final outcome. Firstly, recognize that this is in fact a mini setback, sit down write down the way you expect the outcome to be and work towards executing it (short term goals)
Note:- Laziness never gets anyone anywhere.

3. STOP and I mean STOP sharing your intimate life experiences with EVERYBODY, SOMEBODY and NOBODY. At the end of the day people don’t  care about you as much as you do you. Eventually somebody is going to tell everybody and when the air clears nobody can really help your dire situation
Note:- A wise man keeps a still tongue.

To often we turn to religion in the hopes that the religious leader can help lead us into some sordid path of righteousness, or call a friend in the hopes that they will see things through your eyes when in fact they themselves are blind.

The only factual thing that I know that works is seeking the advice of the higher being who created you and imprinted in you an unfathomable depth of wisdom to know what one should ultimately do. Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying don’t ask for advice I’m merely saying that the final say so about YOUR LIFE should come from you and not be influenced by what others think or say. Put down the worries, release the cares, control the tongue and RULE your own world.

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